I’m getting alot of comments about This Sundays movie nite. “Galaxy Quest! Awesome! I’ll get there after Free Enterprise cause I dont know what that is.”. Well, gimme a second to tell you why you should get there in time to see Free Enterprise. If you grew up a Geek, you’ll relate. It’s like ‘Swingers’ for Geeks. Jeff says its the movie Fanboys wishes it could be. Its a deeply personal film for me, because MANY of the events that happen in the film happened to me. Not just being turned away from a movie theatre for being considered too young.
. Marks Mom: Mark, Mark, what are you doing here? I thought you were
supposed to go to that movie – that “Star Track” movie.
Young Mark: Oh, Mom, how many times do I have to tell you? “Track” is
what a train goes on, okay? “Trek” is what the Enterprise goes on,
okay?
Marks Mom: Yeah, and they say the pain of childbirth ends with
labor.
Getting my ass kicked for wearing my Star Trek shirt to school.
[Young Robert was in a fight with a larger kid while wearing a gold
Starfleet uniform, when William Shatner appears to him]
Imaginary William Shatner: I think I ought to tell you that that, uh,
Aryan youth is gonna kick you into oblivion.
Young Robert: But what about in “Arena” when Kirk fought the Gorn?
That giant lizard monster was three times as big as him!
Imaginary William Shatner: My boy, that was a TV show. I used a stunt
double. I always use a stunt double. Except in love scenes. I
insist on doing those myself.
Young Robert: Well, what would you do to avoid a fight?
Imaginary William Shatner: I wouldnt dress like a geek. Gold is not
your color. Think earth tones.
[Shatner just asked Robert why he started the fight]
Young Robert: Well… it was something he said.
Imaginary William Shatner: Whatd he say?
Young Robert: You really dont want to know.
Imaginary William Shatner: I really do want to know!
Young Robert: He said that Han Solo was cooler than Captain Kirk.
[pause]
Imaginary William Shatner: Kick the little fuckers ass.
Asking ‘What would William Shatner do? when confronted with a problem.
Imaginary William Shatner: Im not really here. Im one of the top
ten imaginary friends kids have. Just behind John Travolta, Reggie
Jackson, and Farrah Fawcett-Majors.
Then…the real heavy stuff. What I call my formulative ‘man whore’ years and career driven overzealous years. Its like the writers followed me during these years and wrote it all down. Then turned the character Robert into my man whore and Mark into my older geek. I had the same arguments with women. ‘You can remember lines from TV shows, but not important things’. Collecting women the way I do action figures.
Claire: When are you going to start living in the present instead of
the 24th century?
Robert: I would never live in the 24th century! I fucking HATE “The
Next Generation”. Only classic!
Then as I got older, realizing that you dont want to meet your heroes.
Mark: A musical Julius Ceasar is quite possibly the worst idea Ive
heard since New Coke.
Robert: Jesus Christ, no kidding. My girlfriend bails on me and then
I find out that the man Ive idolized since I was two turns out to
be a raving loon! I cant believe my life.
Mark: I usually cant believe your life either. But Shatners
dementia is no reason to give up the gospel of the original series!
Robert: Ok the man that we just met is not the man who invented the
Corbomite Manuever, or the man who almost died defeating the
Doomsday Machine.
Mark: Let it go. Separate the art from the artist. This is L.A.,
nobodys ever who they appear to be. Other than John Tesh, whos
probably exactly who he appears to be.
Robert: No, no no, Im sorry. Shatner is, was and ever shall be Kirk
to me. I need my hero.
Mark: What you need is a bank account.
Its filled with dialouge written the way I, and I’m sure you, talk. Lines from geek films and tv. And using same to explain your life and philosiphy. Trips to Toys R Us. Oh, and they drink alot. Its funny, sexy and…Shatner RAPS Shakespears JULIUS CEASAR! 2/28 5pm Brewvies. Free Enterprise & Galaxy Quest. FREE ADMISSION.
